Scared…

The past week has been a true mental hell to Mary. So many feelings surged that she found herself too overwhelmed to do anything peacefully. A sudden change indeed! The turning point was over the weekend; a week of joy and delight abruptly ended as anxiety and insomnia announced a new one.

The weekend seemed to be full of meaningless events, although she was sure something must have unleashed the feelings she once thought were under control. She had a pretty good idea what it was, for during the past weekend, people who were just a mere two years older received the opportunity of a life time to study abroad. Her first reaction was surprise and amazement but the human brain has a nasty habit; it tends to over think the situation…

And thus, surprise became jealousy. The wicked monster has been lurking in the dark for a while and was creeping to the surface. Jealousy blindfolds the brain and renders it stupid. She coveted their success but she hypocritically acted as if none of it mattered. Those people had a thorough brain and a determination of steel. Qualities she thought she lacked and that vivified the fire that consumed her heart.

Jealousy dragged along an old friend… Anger. It disrupted all her relationships with her family and friends for she had lost control over what comes out of her mouth. Thankfully, she was accustomed to this feeling and knew she had better keep her mouth shut. The last time she was this angry, she had said many things she regrets to this day for she hurt so many people that were close to her. Silence was the right choice.

Throughout the week, she vainly attempted to find an end to her troubles but the answer seemed to be out of her reach. Old memories and feelings resurfaced as if to add to her distress…

One not so special day however, she found the explanation she was looking for. She was simply scared. Scared of the future. Scared of growing up. She was afraid because she didn’t know what to do for a career, afraid that she wouldn’t be able to summon the will to work hard, afraid her intelligence will fail her, afraid she wasn’t going to get the results she wanted… So many fears haunted her and there was one way to abolish them.

She had to make a simple decision. If she wanted success, there was one thing to do: work harder than anyone who desires the same goal. That’s it! She needn’t worry about the future for God would never fail her. If she focused solely on her dreams, she would make it. She had to grow up, her teenage nonsense needs to end. Her future depends on this single decision. She took it.

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A dazzling jewel she was

A dazzling jewel she was but it was hidden under a layer of dirt that sometimes let the light threw but it was feeble and hardly perceptible, reminiscent of old days of glory… Oh, Alice was once a jewel that captured every heart and mesmerized every mind for she was brilliantly talented and intelligent: a diamond of the finest cut, a woman that had the whole world in her hands but she let go and once you fail the world, you’ll have to fight for a second chance or lay at the bottom to be stamped and kicked as others who have not been as gifted climb their way up…

It dawned on her that she was an arrogant brat spoilt and raised with the uttermost care… The world that was so cruel and merciless on others was so pleasant to her, favoring her with the most exquisite opportunities to thrive and excel but she disdainfully turned them down. Fooled into thinking she would rule the world forever, she let her talents rust and didn’t aspire to reach greater heights. And so the world grew tired of her laziness and rightfully crowned another.

Alice felt betrayed and angry at the world she thought was unfair to her. She looked distrustfully at the new queen as jealousy crept through her veins like toxic venom. Furiously, she dared to ask her to a duel of which Alice got out vanquished and destroyed. Then, she waited for the queen to make a fault to bash her but she only succeeded in making a fool out of herself. As the years went by and she sank deeper and deeper, the mist of anger had gradually faded away and she could see the error of her ways.

She realized that: once you reach the highest rank, keep pushing forward, set the bar higher and reach for the unknown or else someone will eventually reach you and venture into the ground you lazily left undiscovered. Isn’t it stupid to go through the hardest phase and crush the competition and when the ground is finally clear for you to ascend freely, you lazily give up? It was a fatal mistake that no one would forgive…

Now that she finally understood her past, she was ready to focus on her present. It was a rough journey to the top; the diamond must be washed of all its sins. Many sleepless nights of hard work awaited her for that was the only currency that the world might accept. It is a long journey to reach the top now that she was at the bottom and it requires a will of steel but she will make it … hopefully…

When You Reach The Top, Keep Climbing

source: sjamalullail15iskl

Rage or Kindness : The last battle

He went outside, looked at the mysterious blue moon and smiled. He took a deep breath and that fresh dose of oxygen seemed to have revived the painful memory. The smile faded away for he was only trying to fool himself. He let the knife down and held his head between his hands shutting his eyes with all his might until it became painful, still the tragic memory wouldn’t disappear, wouldn’t quit distorting his tormented soul. He wasn’t going to sleep because he knew insomnia awaited him like a sadistic monster that tortured him every night for the last week. And so he sat down and looked at the knife then held it in front of his eyes. Oh the idea of suicide had crossed his mind many times but he would never do it, he never took the easy way out. He won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing his frail body buried in the ground. He was the last man standing against it and he won’t let go. A gigantic responsibility for he was mankind’s last hope. He was now the incarnation of HOPE and every other value that used to rein every human soul but his baggy eyes, broken nose, lacerated cheeks showed that he has taken a few blows. His once pure gentle angel’s soul has been infected. New feelings surged; he felt angry at the world he once adored, angry at them for leaving him lonely. Oh how lonely he felt! For nights, he cried his eyes out seeking a helping hand, a whispered advice that would never come. Alone, haunted by the memory of his dear wife, he sat there for hours thinking of that miserable day: the day her poor soul couldn’t handle all this misery that fell upon earth and her eyes were shut forever. She was his last companion and her presence always brightened his spirit and gave him hope that one day they’d win their battle against evil in all its forms. But she’s gone now and he thought of joining her and letting this sick world destroy itself. He remembered her last words clearly, she said: “There’s no pure evil, my dear, and no pure goodness. Every soul is a mixture of both. Man kind has strayed when it favoured the darkness but deep down lays a faint light of virtue and kindness. Awaken that side, unleash it from its cage and let it strive but first cleanse your soul from every sinful feeling this fight has brought upon it”. He must pull himself together and give it one last shot. He stood up and threw the knife. He’s been wandering around with that knife for the last three or four days. Strange, he never knew he possessed a knife. And suddenly he realised it was made out of anger and frustration! The blade was getting bigger everyday as the feelings of rage and betrayal infested his spirit. He felt better now, free from the feelings that made the past days of his existence a nightmare. He dragged himself to the bed and slept like a baby smiling as he dreamed of his wife laughing and dancing with joy and whispering encouragements… He woke up revived and energized not knowing how much time he slept. He knew what he had to do now and he wasn’t afraid. He’s going to do whatever it takes, the path to reconvert the world was long and hard but he will fight for what he believed in, until every form of malice has been abolished. He knew though that he had to watch out for he could stray from the right path any moment but he hoped the memory of his dear wife would guide him. The fight has now begun…

Download / By Tirza van Dijk
Source: Unsplash by By Tirza van Dijk