How and If

How can you live knowing it all stands for nothing, knowing that purpose is just an illusion? How can you love? How can can you stand meaningless? How do you not take away your own life? I find this meaninglessness, my meaninglessness, unbearable. I gave up believing in a god, when he failed to answer all my prayers, when I realised that nothing had changed all those years, that I was living in a loop of eternal suffering and I was the one that put myself there. It was this first deception that ended my belief in an all merciful higher power, once and for all.

Even when my grand mother passed away, and I wasn’t there with her in her last weeks, I refused all kinds of religious consolation, I tried for a few moments to unify my thoughts with all those people standing next to me and praying for her salvation. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about the last time I saw her, lying unconscious in a hospital bed, she never woke up after that day. She was just lying there, looking peaceful like she always did, but she was already gone, because the doctors pulled the plugs a few days later and she was gone.

I felt no soul leaving her body, there was nothing surreal about her death. She just died, just like the hundreds of people that died that day all over the world. There was nothing special about death. There is nothing special about death, so why would there be anything special about life? I never prayed for her, I just go by her grave whenever I get the chance and I just stand there, repeating the few senseless words I was taught to say, but with no inherent belief in their magic.

If there is a god, then he isn’t the one so humanly portrayed in religion. He knows no joy or anger, he doesn’t feel the suffering of all the people of his creation, he doesn’t need anyone to believe in him. If there ever was a sensitive god  then he should’ve ended his own existence millions of years ago, because I doubt his existence is any less unbearable than ours. But I doubt our god is anything more than just the forces that set the wheel of life in motion. It doesn’t matter because I gave up on god, whatever form he takes a long time ago.


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